


Your Way and Mine

by Heatherlly



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:47:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21949825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heatherlly/pseuds/Heatherlly
Summary: Separated in the present with no foreseeable future, Severus and Lily must retreat to the past to find their way back to each other.
Relationships: Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 24
Kudos: 72





	Your Way and Mine

**Author's Note:**

> _This was intended to be a oneshot, a little holiday gift for my Snily loving readers. I left it open ended though, so I might turn it into a multi-chapter story later on._
> 
> _Thanks so much for your support. Happy holidays to you all! :)_

##  **Your Way and Mine**

* * *

"I didn't kill him," Severus said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I know."

"I wanted to."

"I know that, too."

Lily stepped closer, feeling awkward as she studied his profile. Only the curve of his nose was visible, the rest of his features concealed behind a curtain of black hair.

"Mind if I sit?"

He responded with a barely perceptible shrug, which she chose to interpret as an invitation. Settling herself on the ground beside him, she fiddled with the hem of her jacket, clearing her throat before she spoke.

"Severus…"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry for…"

"I don't need your condolences."

He still hadn't looked at her, his voice as cold as the winter breeze that rustled the leaves above. She wasn't sure which one made her shiver, hugging her knees as she struggled to find the words she needed.

That was easier said than done, the distance between them making it seem like he was on another planet rather than right here beside her. Two years without speaking. Two years of telling herself it was for the best. After he'd called her that awful name…

Of course, it wasn't just the name. It was everything that name represented, the people he hung around with, what he was hoping to become. All of that had driven her away, leaving her no choice but to end their friendship.

Still, there'd been moments when she'd questioned that decision. What if she'd been more forgiving? If she'd given him another chance? Maybe if she'd tried – _really_ tried – to make him understand how she felt…

Then again, what was there to understand? He knew what Voldemort and his followers were all about, knew that they hated people like her. He knew they said terrible things about Muggle-borns, obviously, and he must've heard the rumors. To know all that and choose to be a part of it anyway?

Betrayal. That was the first word that came to mind, but it wasn't that simple. She knew Severus wouldn't want her tortured or killed… even in her darkest moments, she'd never suspect him of such a thing.

" _Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?_ "

" _No. It doesn't make any difference._ "

He'd meant what he said, at least when it came to her. She'd always been an exception, as if her talent or her beauty or the simple fact that he liked her set her apart somehow. Obviously, he'd decided that the usual rules didn't apply where she was concerned… was he naïve enough to believe that his future Death Eater friends and even Voldemort himself would see it the same way?

Probably so, though it didn't matter. Prejudice against Muggle-borns was wrong, whether he chose to include her in that group or not. As long as he insisted on believing otherwise, she couldn't be a part of his life. She just couldn't.

And so she'd avoided him. For two years, she'd kept her distance, distracting herself with school activities and other friends. She'd even started dating, fooled into believing she'd put the past behind her as she headed home for one last winter break.

" _Hey Dad, can I see the paper?_ "

" _Ah, I was just about to toss it out._ "

" _Come on, I don't get any Muggle news at Hogwarts. I'd like to catch up before I go back._ "

" _Yes, but there's something…_ "

She hadn't heard the rest, her eyes widening as she'd spotted the headline. 

**THREE DEAD, TWO INJURED IN TRAGIC ACCIDENT**  
_Tobias Snape, 49, was killed last night when he swerved his vehicle into oncoming traffic. Believed to have been intoxicated, Mr. Snape is also responsible for the deaths of…_

Just like that, her past became present again. The past two years faded to nothing, along with the feeling that Severus had become a stranger to her. If he'd been a stranger, she wouldn't have known where to find him, memories flooding through her as she'd approached the riverbank where they'd lain as children. She wouldn't have recognized the tilt of his head, slumped shoulders making it clear that he was hurting even though he'd never admit it aloud. She wouldn't…

She wouldn't have known exactly what to do when words failed her, stretching out flat on her back.

* * *

Severus sat stiffly, afraid to move or speak lest the spell be broken. Was Lily really here beside him? Or was he imagining this moment, as he'd done a thousand times over the past two years? The latter seemed more likely, yet this was different somehow. Those dreams had never included his father's demise, nor his own failure to come up with suitable responses to her condolences. No, he'd known _exactly_ what to say, mending their broken relationship with a few well-chosen words.

Those words eluded him now, heavy silence growing more oppressive by the second. He was on the edge of a full-blown panic when she did the last thing he would've expected, a pair of long legs appearing out of the corner of his eye.

Lying beside him, just as they'd done as children…

Did she want him to do the same? It seemed impossible, and yet he could sense it somehow, equal parts amazed and confused as he willed his body to move. One leg and then the other, shoulders pressed flat against the ground, arms straight at his sides.

"Do you remember…"

"I remember," he said quietly.

Strange, but it was as if the past few years had never happened. Gone were his tormentors, along with the much more agonizing pain of losing her. No house divisions, no Voldemort, no Dumbledore, no feuding friends or would be suitors. Even his recently deceased father faded away, replaced by…

Peace.

The feeling washed over him as Lily lifted her wand, murmuring a charm that stole the chill from the air. Bleak December transformed into an early spring morning, the grass suddenly soft against his skin. He didn't have to look to know that it was green, bare branches suddenly thick with foliage. The flowers… she even charmed the bloody flowers, reminding him of the first day they met.

" _Muffliato_ ," he said, " _Occultatio_."

"It's a shame you didn't know those spells when we were younger," she said. "We would've had a much easier time hiding from Petunia."

He smiled, something he'd been quite sure he'd forgotten how to do. "If I could go back in time…"

"Would you want to?" 

"Yes," he said. "If that meant I could change what I said to you, what I did…"

"Don't," she interrupted. "Please. I only meant…"

He knew what she meant. She didn't want another apology, didn't want him to try and make amends yet again. What she wanted was to pretend that it had never happened, lulled by the sanctuary of this place where nothing bad had ever touched them. It was an alternate reality, a reversal in time, a taste of what their lives might've been like without the outside world and all its complications.

"The charms."

"What?"

"I…" He cleared his throat, determined to put their more recent past from his mind. "I'd like to go back and practice some of those charms we tried to invent. I'm sure we would've been successful if we'd kept at it a bit longer."

"Like the Muffin Exploding Charm?"

"I was looking forward to testing that one on your sister."

She giggled, surprising him with the proximity of the sound. She'd moved closer, so close he could feel the heat from her body, catching a whiff of her perfume as he stared up at the sky.

"Speaking of baked goods," she said, "do you remember that time…"

He kept waiting for the illusion to break, but it only grew deeper as the sun inched its way across the sky. Soon enough, it was Hogwarts that felt like a dream, hazy and half forgotten, dissipating like a whiff of smoke on the breeze.

"Severus?"

For the first time, he turned his head, breath catching in his throat as her eyes met his. Those beautiful green eyes… achingly familiar yet mysterious somehow. He'd forgotten how powerful they were, stripping away his defenses like nothing else could do.

At the moment, it seemed it was _her_ defenses that were ready to crumble. Those eyes grew suspiciously damp, a single tear appearing at one corner.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," she said. "That's the problem."

It sounded like a contradiction, yet he knew what she meant. These precious moments of peace they'd stolen for themselves… they were nothing more than borrowed time, a temporary escape from a reality that couldn't be held at bay much longer. In that reality, the bond between them was broken, their lives dragging them in opposite directions. 

Potter. Of all the bloody people she could've chosen…

No. He wouldn't allow his thoughts to stray in that direction, refused to indulge in the bitter jealousy he'd felt back at school. Not in this moment, which might very well be the last time he ever had her to himself.

Did it really have to be that way? What if he told her again how sorry he was? What if he could make her understand that he truly meant it this time? Would that be enough?

No. Deep down, he knew that. She wouldn't give an inch unless he renounced Voldemort, swore on his life that he'd _never_ become a Death Eater. And what then? Would she get rid of Potter? Go back to the way things were when they were younger? Turn back the clock, forgive and forget and erase…

That didn't seem likely. Besides, he couldn't just reverse his own decisions. He hadn't taken the Mark yet, but he was expected to do so when he left school in just a few short months. To say that he'd changed his mind…

He hadn't. Not really, and that was the part she'd never understand. She only believed the worst of what she heard, unwilling to see the other side. Power. Protection. Prestige. A chance to _belong_. It was the only opportunity he had to make something of himself, escaping an existence where he'd never be anything more than a nobody. Neglected. Impoverished. Bullied and abused. The life that Lord Voldemort offered… no one would ever dare mistreat him again.

They wouldn't mistreat _her_ either. Didn't she understand that? She was different, special, whether she was Muggle-born or not. That word… that awful word he'd been stupid enough to use? It had nothing to do with her.

"Lily…"

"Hmmm?"

"Whatever I've done…" he hesitated, swallowing hard. "Whatever I've said… none of it was intended to hurt you."

"I know."

She _did_ know. He could see it in her eyes, still shimmering with tears. She moved a little closer, sending a pleasant jolt through his body as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"I never meant to hurt you either."

"You didn't," he said quietly.

That was a lie and they both knew it, but it didn't matter. For the moment, nothing was relevant except their intentions, the simple yet irrefutable truth that neither had ever intended any harm toward the other.

"Have you ever wondered what might've happened if we…"

"If we what?"

"You know," she said. "If all that other stuff hadn't gotten in the way."

Yes, he'd wondered. Of course he had. He'd thought about it since he was nine years old, quite certain he was in love with her long before he'd understood what that meant. That conviction had only grown stronger as he'd gotten older, a flurry of emotions and powerful urges he'd struggled to keep under control. The sharp, persistent longing to be near her. The belief, still not disproven, that she was the most beautiful girl in the world. Not only that, but the sweetest, the most talented, more clever than anyone he'd ever met. Even her flaws…

"Yes," he said.

Oh yes, he'd wondered. He'd spent hours imagining what it would be like to kiss her, hold her close, walk through the halls of Hogwarts with her hand in his. He'd imagined other things, too, though he tried not to think about them just now. He was already keenly aware of her close proximity, hoping she wouldn't notice his reaction.

Then again, _she_ was the one who'd brought it up.

"I _have_ wondered." He hesitated, taking a deep breath. "Have you?"

"Of course."

Of _course?_ He lay there silent, stunned by her response. So casual. So matter of fact. To think of all those years he'd spent concealing his feelings, utterly convinced that they'd never be reciprocated. Why would Lily… beautiful, charming, talented Lily whom everyone adored… why would she bother with someone like him? She must've known she could have anyone she pleased… no chance in hell…

He'd never believed it, nor had anyone else. None of the other students had ever questioned their relationship, aside from wondering why she was even friends with him. Even the Slytherins… they'd never asked Severus if he was shagging her, never even hinted that such a thing might be possible. Why? Because it didn't make any sense. He'd known that as well as they did, accepting his role as platonic best friend. 

All of that, only for her to say _of course?_

"What…what do you mean by that?"

"You know what I mean."

"No," he said. "I don't."

"We were so close. I don't know, it just seems like _something_ would've happened if you hadn't…"

For once, he wasn't dwelling on the mistakes he'd made. He was too distracted by the flush of her cheeks, stirring up memories he'd nearly forgotten. He'd seen her blush like that before, usually when his own emotions had gotten the better of him. He'd never given it much thought, assuming that the reddening of her cheeks was related to anger or frustration. It had never even occurred to him that it might be something else entirely.

"Something?" he repeated. "Like what?"

"Don't make me say it."

She was still blushing, revealing a side of herself he'd never seen. This Lily was uncharacteristically shy, ducking her head to avoid his gaze.

"Fine," he said. "Then show me."

He didn't know where the words had come from, nor the sudden burst of confidence. It was something he'd never felt in her presence, comforted by the realization that she was every bit as vulnerable as he was.

"S-show you?"

"Yes."

"But I… I'm dating James."

Even the bastard's name wasn't enough to dissuade him. He was singularly focused now, aroused and intrigued by Lily's implication. He reminded himself yet again that _she'd_ brought it up. Surely she wouldn't have done so without reason.

"So? You're not married to him."

"That's true, but…"

"Engaged?"

"No."

"Is it…" He hesitated, bracing himself for an answer he might not like. "Is it serious?"

"I don't know. We haven't… it's just a few dates so far."

"Do you love him?"

"I don't _know!_ Will you stop with the interrogation?"

"Certainly," he said. "I was only trying to clarify…"

"Yes, I know. A handful of dates is hardly a lifetime commitment. I just… I don't know if it would be fair."

"Fair to whom?"

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Assuming you've had this… curiosity for some time…"

"I have."

He stared at her, still baffled by this strange new reality. "Has it occurred to you that it might be better to indulge it?"

"How would that be _better?_ "

"If you don't act on it, some part of you…"

"Some part of me will always wonder."

"Yes."

"Which wouldn't be fair to James either."

Honestly, Severus didn't give a toss about Potter. He _did_ know that what he was saying was true, however. He'd spent years wondering what it would be like to kiss Lily, unable to banish the thought from his mind. That was even more true now that he knew his feelings might've been reciprocated, haunted by the thought of what could've been.

"Severus?"

"Hmmm?"

"If I… if we… you wouldn't tell anyone, would you?"

"I'd take it to the grave."

Clearly, that was all the reassurance she needed. She shifted onto her side, prompting him to do the same. So close… he could see tiny drops of moisture clinging to her lashes, her lips slightly parted, breath mingling with his. So bloody close, and still, he didn't believe it. He'd spent too many years convincing himself that nothing like this could ever happen. Why would she… especially now… how could she possibly…

His thoughts scattered, followed by a sharp intake of breath as her mouth brushed his. Just the briefest touch, soft and featherlight… she pulled back before he could respond, flashing him a little smile.

"See? Now I don't have to wonder."

"What?"

"You know," she said, "what it's like to kiss you."

"You think that was…" He shook his head. "You have no _idea_ …"

The truth was, he didn't either. He'd never kissed anyone, didn't have the faintest clue how to go about it. All he _did_ know was that he had more to offer than… whatever it was that had just happened.

"Should we give it another try?"

She brushed his lips again, though this time, he was ready for it. He slid a hand into her hair as he pressed his mouth against hers, hoping she wouldn't pull away.

She didn't.

Instead, she took a deep breath, her lips parting beneath his. That gave him the opportunity he needed, tongue delving into her mouth, tentative at first, then bolder as he felt her reciprocate. The way she tasted… the sweet softness of her mouth… he couldn't even begin to comprehend what he was feeling, how anything could be so… 

Good? That was an understatement. Amazing? Woefully insufficient. He couldn't find a word that would do it justice, nor did he care to try. All he knew was that he couldn't get enough, since his reeling as he deepened the kiss.

All the while, a feeling of dread hovered at the edge of his consciousness. She'd stop him before it went too far, obviously, but _when?_ Where was that invisible line that she wouldn't allow him to cross? The last thing he wanted was to stumble across it, yet he couldn't seem to restrain himself. Kisses rougher, more urgent now. Hand roaming of its own volition, sliding up and down her back, grazing her backside…

Still, she made no move to stop him. She didn't even object when he lifted her leg, draping it over his hip, rubbing himself against her in a mimicry of the one thing he'd assumed she would _never_ allow him to do.

No, she didn't stop him. She kissed his neck instead, igniting tiny fires wherever she did so. He shivered, unable to suppress a whimper as she caught one of his lobes between her lips, tracing his ear with the tip of her tongue. He'd never imagined anything could be so pleasurable, suddenly eager to return the favor.

Reversing their positions, he pressed his mouth against the column of her throat. She seemed to like the sensation as much as he did, tilting her head for easier access.

"Mmmm…"

Was she really letting him do this? He held his breath, sliding a hand across her stomach, fingers ghosting over the curve of her breast. 

"Wait."

He jerked his hand back, cringing as he watched her sit up. But then… his eyes widened as she lifted her jumper over her head, tossing it aside before she lay back down.

"You don't mind…" He trailed off, so flustered and aroused that he couldn't seem to formulate a sentence. Thankfully, she understood what he was asking, flashing him a little smile.

"If I want you to stop," she said, "I'll let you know."

He nodded, fingers shaking as he slid a hand inside her bra. Warm and smooth… such a mesmerizing sensation, yet it wasn't enough. He eased the straps down over her shoulders, eager to see what he was touching. 

She didn't disappoint. No, for all the years he'd spent dreaming about her breasts, none of his fantasies could possibly do them justice. Pale, velvety skin, the way they fit perfectly in his hands, almost as if they'd been shaped for that purpose… he leaned closer, drawing a rosy nipple into his mouth. 

She _liked_ what he was doing. He could tell by the sounds she was making, humming and sighing, her hands buried in his hair. The next thing he knew, her bra had been cast aside, her jeans unbuttoned, his mouth devouring hers. His own shirt was gone, her hands moving over his chest, fingers skimming across the front of his trousers. He gasped in response, finally understanding where all of this was headed.

She wasn't going to stop him. What happened next was proof of that, her hips rising off the ground as he tugged on her jeans. Willing, eager… impossible to believe, and yet he couldn't bring himself to doubt it anymore. It was all too real, Lily lying beneath him clad in nothing but lacy white underwear. He wanted to get rid of those too, but he restrained himself, sucking in a deep breath as he studied her from head to toe. Hair like a flame beneath the sunset, eyes as green as the grass beneath her. Did she have any idea how beautiful she was? That soft skin, the curves of her body…

He didn't have the words to tell her how he felt. Instead, he did his best to show her, kisses slow and deep as he stroked her breasts, caressed her stomach, more gentle than he'd ever thought he was capable of as he moved lower, his hand delving between her thighs.

Bloody hell, she wasn't making this easy. The way she closed her eyes, whimpering in encouragement… part of him was tempted to forget what he was trying to do, give in to his own urges and be done with it. He wanted… fuck, he _needed_ …

No. Not yet. He knew what would happen once it got to that point, knew he couldn't hope to make it last. His first time? With _Lily_ , of all people? He'd be lucky if he could manage a minute or two, which would hardly be satisfying for her. If this was to be the only time… 

He'd be damned if he'd have her remember him as a disappointment.

With that thought, he removed her underwear, drawing them down over her legs and tossing them aside. His touch was tentative at first, fingers clumsy, mind casting about for some sort of guidance. Those magazines he'd stolen… what he'd read, what he'd seen…

Lily let out a shaky moan, an unmistakable sign that he'd found what he was looking for. He pressed his thumb against the spot, rubbing it back and forth, mesmerized by her response as he discovered a rhythm she seemed to like.

"Ohhhh…"

He gave her what she wanted, hand working furiously as he kissed his way up her body. Her stomach… her breasts… he couldn't get enough, catching a nipple in his mouth and sucking it hard as he plunged his fingers inside her. Slowly at first and then faster… he nipped at her throat, gasping right along with her as he felt her shudder.

By then, there was no stopping it. He pulled his hand away, swearing under his breath as he struggled to unbutton his trousers. Bloody hell, he couldn't… 

"Let me."

Lily's voice was breathless, her hair a tumbled mess as she sat up to help him. She made short work of the button, unzipping his fly before she lay back down.

"Are you… are you sure?"

He hated himself for asking, knowing she might very well change her mind if he gave her a chance to consider what they were about to do. Still… he would've hated himself even more for _not_ asking. He had to be sure this was indeed what she wanted, that he wasn't taking advantage of some temporary weakness or insanity, or…

"I'm sure."

That was all he needed to hear, forgetting how to breathe as he positioned himself above her. He fumbled between her legs, clumsy in his haste, poking and prodding until _finally_ …

"Fuck…"

He didn't mean to say it, trailing off on a gasp as he managed to penetrate her. Just the tip, yet even that was overwhelming. So warm, so soft… how was it possible that anything could feel this _good?_ It was too much… far too much, yet not enough all at the same time. More. He needed _more_.

Shifting his hips, he pushed a little deeper, only to freeze as he felt her stiffen. Was this her _first_ …

Yes. He could see it in her eyes, arousal mingled with uncertainty. He realized she was bracing herself, lower lip caught between her teeth as her fingernails dug into his shoulders.

"Lily…"

He couldn't find the words he needed, kissing her gently instead. Forcing his body to remain still, he waited for what seemed like a lifetime until he felt her relax. Only then did he proceed, swallowing her gasp as he filled her completely.

"Are you all right?"

"I… I think so. Just… go slow."

He nodded, eyes locked on her face as he rocked his hips against hers. Slowly, carefully… it was a blissful sort of madness, instincts screaming at him to drive deeper, thrust harder…

No. Not yet. He couldn't run the risk of hurting her, no matter _what_ his body was urging him to do. Besides, there was something to be said for restraint. He could tell she was beginning to enjoy it, moaning softly, eyes fluttering closed as he thrust into her again… again and again and again…

He moved a little faster, groaning low in his throat as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Her hands slid down his back, pressing against his backside, urging him on…

Thank Merlin she wanted it, too. He couldn't seem to control himself now, hips moving of their own volition, his breath coming in short, frantic bursts. She felt so good, so goddamn bloody _good_ … he propped himself on his arms, setting a swift, pounding rhythm that threatened to push him over the edge. It was only a matter of time, emotions and sensations so overwhelming that he… he… god, he couldn't begin to describe what he was feeling. Everything seemed heightened somehow, all the more so when he caught another glimpse of Lily's face. Her expression was blissful, soft pink lips parting as she whispered his name.

"Severus…"

He gasped in response, shuddering from head to toe as the world exploded around him. Wave after wave of pleasure radiated through his body, far more intense than anything he'd ever felt or known or dared to imagine. It was…

Finally, he found the word he needed, echoing through his mind as he collapsed in Lily's arms. The way she held him close, pushing the damp hair off his forehead as his breathing gradually slowed… everything about it was…

 _Perfect_.

* * *

Lily lay there stunned, struggling to wrap her mind around what had just happened. Had she really lost her virginity? To _Severus?_ It seemed impossible, yet he was still inside her, soft, panting breaths tickling her ear.

What the hell had come over her? She'd only meant to offer her condolences, hoping to make him feel better somehow. A kind word, maybe a hug…

 _A shag in the grass_.

Unable to help herself, she giggled, prompting him to lift his head. His expression was still a bit dazed, forehead crinkling in a frown.

"What's so funny?"

"It's not you," she said. "Promise. I just… I never expected…"

"Me either."

"I only wanted to make you feel better."

"Well," he said, his lips twitching. "You certainly accomplished that."

"Did I?"

"Yes. That was…" He trailed off, giving his head a little shake. "I just hope it wasn't… I hope you don't…"

She could see it in his eyes, an unspoken question he couldn't bring himself to voice aloud. She hadn't even asked it of herself yet, afraid of what the answer might be.

Did she regret it?

She _should_. She knew that much, reminding herself of everything that had come between them and all her reasons for walking away. Those reasons were still valid, irreconcilable differences that awaited them both back in the real world.

But in _this_ world…

The rules were different here. This was life as it should've been, what would've happened if all those other things hadn't gotten in the way. There'd been a time when Severus could've easily been her first… her first and maybe even her last, the closeness between them promising to turn into something more when they were just a little bit older. If only he hadn't…

No. It didn't matter whose fault it was. Not here. Unforgivable words and betrayals, the ending of their friendship, their separate lives? None of that existed in this place.

"No,"she said, "I don't regret it."

With that, she kissed him, finally understanding why she'd allowed it to happen. Everything they'd lost… all that could've been… maybe there was no going back, but she couldn't move forward either. Not without finding _some_ way to reconcile her past with her present, hoping for a sense of closure.

"I don't regret it," she repeated, breaking the kiss. "But it doesn't change…"

"I know."

"This has to be enough. For both of us."

"I understand."

That should've been the end of it. She should've gotten up, put on her clothes, bid him an awkward farewell. But she wasn't ready for that. Not yet. The first time… the last time… she had to make the most of it. Once they left this place? There'd no going back.

And so she kissed him again, running her hands up and down his back, caressing his bare skin. It didn't take long to elicit a reaction, the feeling of him swelling inside her making her gasp as his hips started to move. It was slower this time, much more intense, his eyes locked on hers. Those eyes glittered in the semi darkness, sweat beading on his forehead as he paused, drawing in a sharp, ragged breath.

He tried _so hard_ to make it last. She could feel his desperation, pleasure mingled with pain in the noises he made. He'd speed up only to slow down, cursing under his breath, harsh profanities strangely at odds with the gentle way he kissed her.

All the while, pleasure coiled within her, sensations she couldn't stop any more than he could. She'd never expected to feel so… so…

Tempted though she was to whisper his name, she resisted, remembering what happened the last time she'd done it. Instead, she moaned, a soft noise that was bittersweet to her ears as she lifted her hips, meeting his thrusts.

"Lily… I _can't…_ "

He cried out, a strange combination of ecstasy and defeat, trembling violently as she felt him pulsing inside her. And then it was over, their bodies still entwined as she shivered in the chilly night air.

Reality returned by slow degrees, each sensation seeming crueler than the last. Her charms… those charms that had created such a beautiful illusion of simpler times… they were gone now, soft green grass replaced by the crunch of dead leaves as she reached for her coat.

"It's about to snow."

Even as he said it, the first few flurries descended from the sky, landing on his bare chest. He brushed them away, sighing heavily as he did so.

"I'd better get going," she said, pausing to lace up her boots. "My parents will be expecting me."

"And I have a funeral to plan."

"I really am sorry for…"

"Don't," he said. "Not now."

"All right." She searched for something else, only to realize that there was nothing left to say. Or at least, nothing that wouldn't spoil the moment, somehow trivializing what had happened between them. What they'd done… it had nothing to do with the future, nor even the present. They'd turned back the clock, creating a glimpse of the life that had been stolen from them. Now? The hands of that clock were moving forward again, leaving that memory in the past where it belonged.

She wished it didn't have to be that way. Just to stay in this place, a place where there'd never been any cruel words or hurt feelings, where their paths had always been one rather than slashed in two…

"Severus, I…"

"Lily!"

She whipped her head around, cringing as a familiar voice shouted her name. Petunia. Why the hell was _Petunia_ out here? Couldn't she just… a few more _minutes_ …

" _Lily!_ "

She turned back to Severus, letting out a heavy sigh. "I have to go."

"I know."

"I guess I'll see you… take care, all right?"

She _wouldn't_ see him later… at least, not in any way that mattered. A familiar silhouette spotted from across the courtyard, perhaps a surreptitious glance here and there? That was all that waited for them back at Hogwarts – separate lives, separate friends, separate realities.

"You too," he said quietly. "You know I'd never want…"

"I know."

With that, she turned away, retracing the steps she'd taken that morning. Had that only been hours ago? So much had changed since then, yet far too many things had remained the same. There was no point in pretending otherwise, no choice but to…

" _Wait!_ "

The word sounded like it had been ripped from his soul, harsh and desperate. She turne to find him headed toward her, long strides closing the distance between them before she could register what was happening. She was already in his arms by the time she figured it out, gasping as his mouth covered hers.

That kiss… it was unlike any of the kisses they'd shared prior to that moment, almost brutal in its intensity. He held her head in a viselike grip, anchoring her to him, clinging to her as if he'd never let her go as his mouth ravaged hers. That was the only word she could think of to describe it, convinced she was about to faint as her legs trembled beneath her.

"Now you know."

"What?" she said, startled by the sudden loss of contact.

"Now you know," he repeated, warm breath tickling her lips. "What it's like to kiss me."

With that, he turned away, his dark shadow melting into the trees. She stood there for what felt like an eternity, unable to move or think or speak. That _kiss_ …

She'd been able to justify everything else. It was all part of the past, a makeshift dream that had no place in reality. But the way he'd kissed her just now… that was something different. It was a kiss that belonged to the present, an integral part of the real world she thought she'd left behind. The past, the present, the future… they'd collided in the moment, stripping away all of her illusions.

What had replaced those illusions? She couldn't put a name to it. All she knew was that it didn't feel anything like closure.


End file.
